Break On Through

do you feel it coursing through your veins?

the noise..

the base..

feels so good.

as soon as i turn my stereo on,

all i hear is..

whomp whomp whomp.

the music take me on a tranquil adventure.

mind, body, and soul are at peace.

and all that matters is the sound.

flowing around me.

music notes dancing above my head.

the only time that i can be truly at ease.

is when the music flows through me.

Just Walk Away

i thought today would be different..

because i didn't wake up crying..

but i was wrong.

today is just like every other day.

a struggle.

i don't know how much longer i can take this.

i thought it would go away..

i thought it would simmer down..

but i was wrong.

it just keeps getting worse and worse.

i hate life.

i hate me.

i just want it to be over with..

We're All Wasted

I hate being alone.

it's so scary.

i can't trust myself.

i don't know if i'll be able to convince myself anymore.

if this life is worth it.

i don't think it is.

i don't know why i'm still here.

i just..don't know..

Mad World

If they only knew..

I didn't mean to hurt you.

i hate myself.

i tell myself every.single.day. what scum i am.

i can't even look myself in the mirror.

i can't stand me.

i disgust myself.

sometimes i wonder..

if i wasn't here

would things be better?

for you.

for everyone.

i think it's time for me to go.

be free.

let my spirit go.

and then you can finally be happy.

everyone can be happy.

I've Got Your Name Tattooed Inside Of My Arm

"You can't regret things in life.

Because everything happens for a reason."

i've been told this..well, a lot.

and i live by it.

it's a good life motto.

but i hate it.

because sometimes those reasons,

aren't so clear.

and you have to wait

and wait

andwait

for that reason.

and sometimes the reason,

doesn't come at all.

i want to know the reason.

right

meow.

growldammit.

Build Me Up, Buttercup

I figured it out today.

what made us grow apart.

it wasn't our forbidden friendship.

it was him.

that night.

he made me cry for hours.

he made me want to kill myself.

and what did you do?

you sat back and let it happen.

you were my best friend.

my support.

my sister.

and you did nothing.

that's when i realized that our friendship had been minimized to nothing.

all because of this one boy that took your heart.

and stabbed it.

but i was still there for you.

still am.

we've grown distant.

that's fersure.

but our friendship is re-building itself.

i still consider you to be my best friend.

i don't know where i stand with you.

but i'll take what i can get.

Hey, Hey. This Is No Dream

thinking gets you nowhere.

that's what i've decided.

all it does is make your mind go in circles.

that's no fun.

i wish the answer would just pop out at me and be like,

"Hey! I'm the answer! Choose me!"

But that would be way too simple.

Goddammit.

teach me something.

anything.

about making the right decision.

help meh puhlease.

The Loop

Goddammit.

Here we go again.

Another day,

another tease for my heart.

Nbd.

Yesbigdeal.

Whatever.

I'll get over it.

Eventually.

Love Like This

My heart is skipping beats.

This sucks.

Nothing can come from it;

yet it feels so right.

That one factor is ruining everything.

Goddammit.

I'm a terrible person

and I'm going to hell.

Ohwell.

At least it's warm there.

Hopefully Kevin's right.

I mean,

it could happen.

It almost happened a couple times.

But that one factor.

"And as strange as it may seem,

I'll go if you take me

I'm willing to sacrifice.

That's why you keep on runnin'

In and out of my mind."

fml.

This Is The End Of The World As We Know It

oh boy.. what did I just get myself into..

that's it.

Truth Is..

Truth is, I don't like myself.

Truth is, I think I'm the most hideous thing alive.

Truth is, I think I'm annoying.

Truth is, I would kill myself right now; I just don't have the balls.

Truth is, I think I'm stupid.

Truth is, I don't think I deserve anyone or anything.

Truth is, my mom tried to get rid of me when I was a baby.

Truth is, my dad doesn't give two shits about me.

Truth is, I've been cutting myself since seventh grade.

Truth is, I'll never stop.

Truth is, I don't care about life.

Truth is, I'm a fuck up.

Truth is, I don't care.

Truth is, I hate being guilted into things.

Truth is, I hate being under pressure.

Truth is, I'm extremely shy.

Truth is, I don't believe anything anyone says about me when they compliment me.

Truth is, I wrote this so you would know how I feel.

I'm Handing This To You On A Silver Platter

It's all I can do.

To make it through the day.

It's such a struggle.

It's hard to believe that I've made it this far.

But I'll suck it the fuck up,

and get over everything.

Each

and every

thing.

Oh Boy, What An Adventure

This week.

Boy what a week.

Stress, tears, fights.

But most importantly:

joy.

My brother, the Marine, is home for ten days.

Not as long as I would like, but hey, it's better than nothing.

I have to share him with a billion other people, though.

Which is unfortunate.

But again, it's better than nothing.

Is it stressful?

Oh hell yea!

I need some delicious, green bliss right now.

The only thing I'm looking forward to in Palatine.

Going through this sober just isn't working out for me.

Especially with the awkward situations that are being thrown in my direction left and right.

I need it.

To sort out my thoughts.

Whatever.

Peace out, nukkahs.

They're Just Jealous 'Cause We're Young and In Love

The rush.

The feeling you get.

The adrenaline pumping through your body like you're the Incredible Hulk er something.

Everybody's felt it.

That "new love" kinda feeling.

You know?

Sweaty palms;

heart racing;

uncontrollable butterflies.

What a wonderful feeling.

Am I right?

I think anybody would agree with me that the sensation one gets when talking to the person that their heart has suddenly grown fond of is quite possibly one of the best feelings one could get.

Right again?

Thought so.

You're A Grade "A" Creeper

You're ridiculous.

You're with my family and you're gonna act like this?

Really.

You need to grow the fuck up.

Along with your little "friend."

You can't trust me?

Imagine how I've felt the last six months.

You and Hiliary can live your lifes; without me.

This Would Be Easier If You Were A Lamp

You were the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I did the worst thing I could have done.

I don't know why things turned out the way they did;

but everything happens for a reason, right?

Just reassure me that after you're gone, you'll still be there.

I know you love me and I love you too.

Don't doubt that for a second.

I want you to know that I'll ALWAYS be here for you.

Know that there is better than me out there.

Just keep swimming.

Don't look back at the past but look at what's ahead of you.

You have a long life to look forward;

don't let me be the reason to not be excited.

For You; From Me

Every time you tip that bottle I can feel it. It's like for every sip you take, a piece of me dies. I can't stand the way I make you feel. But I do it anyways. I can't tell you how I feel because..well, it just wouldn't work. Everything would fall apart. Everything we worked so hard to build. All the fights we had to battle just to get to where we are. It would all be for nothing. But I have to. It has to happen. There's no way around it. I love you, but..

Unfortunate Amount Of Sorrow

I don't know what to do. I know how I feel but I'm too much of a recreant to say it to your face. Because I'm using you? Never. Because I'm afraid? More than you'd believe. You're one of my best friends. You're an amazing person. Hurting you would bring an unbelievable amount of bad karma. But I have to do it; unfortunately. I can't just drag you along. It wouldn't be fair. But I'm afraid. Afraid that you'll be too hurt to go on. Afraid that we won't talk. Afraid of the future. In all honesty, I love you. But I can't be this anymore. This duo. I'm sorry. This isn't the end of the book, just the end of that chapter. And I hope you'll let us go on to creating the rest of this book until it really needs to end. This. Is. Life.

Sickening

Your sarcasm. Your mockery. It's sickening. You need to get off your high horse and realize that you are nothing. You're not better than I am. Your ranking on the scale of life is a little after mulch and way before me. Don't try to intimidate or discriminate me. It won't work. You need to stop being so callow. Realize that we are the same. The only difference: age. But nobody can tell because of your immaturity. Grow. Up.

yea buddy.

I'm so sick of it.

Your bitching.

Your ditching.

Your lieing.

Your "dieing."

Your bragging.

Your dragging.

Your nagging!

Everything.

I'm sick of it.

And worst of all;

you're a slut.

Euphoria

That slight buzz is not enough. Pass it around again. Pack it tighter. Anything. I need this temporary escape. The euphoria that repeatedly takes away my pain. The familiarity of it all. As I exhale it's as if my pain is going up in smoke. My body, mind, and soul relax and I'm left alone. With just my thoughts. Going over the day. Everything that happened. As I take each hit; I can feel myself slipping away faster and faster. Until I'm there. My own lethargic coma. Stress; lifted away. My zen state of being begins and I feel complete. It's not an addiction, it just helps. You don't agree? I don't care. It's my life, my decision, and I happen to think that it's a great one. So pass it the pipe to me and let me take myself away to my own, personal Cloud Nine.

The Last Word

Anger.

It flows through my veins.

I can feel my blood boiling.

My heart pounding.

My fists clenching.

Stomach churning rapidly.

I don't know what to do.

I've never felt this bitter.

I almost feel sick.

Walking away from the situation seems to be the best option but there's just that one problem.

One little snag in the road.

An obstacle waiting to be completed.

That one problem.

The last word.

Everybody wants it.

That sense of accomplishment.

The victory.

"We are the champions!"

But with her; it's like World War Three.

Stubbornness fights stubbornness.

The question: who will give in first?

Most likely me.

Why? Because I hate dealing with the bullshit.

The bitching. The complaining.

Lies, stories, contradictions.

That's where I give up.

I know in my heart that I've won this one but I'll give up my prize.

The last word.

Left In The Dust

How many times do I have to cry myself to sleep?

It's happened so far,

Everyday this week.

Something goes wrong,

And it's like the dam to my eyes broke.

Beavers can't hold back this flood.

All I can do is weep.

And weep.

And weep.

Feel nothing but sorrow.

I can't even look forward to tomorrow.

Just another let down.

Another fall back.

And all I can do is weep.

Hello, What The Hell Are You Doing Here?

Through fights, through arguments, through disagreements.

You were there. But now, you're leaving.

Gone. Never going to be the same.

This. Is. It. Life as we know it is different. Forever. No turning back.

Just adjusting. To this new life. These new ways.

Embrace it. There's really no other way to cope with it. This feeling of loss. This feeling of sorrow.

Just deal with it. Suck it up. "Be a man."

I'm not a man. I'm a vulnerable little girl. Not knowing what to do with this new life.

I'm not ready to change. Not ready to "cope."

But here it comes. Whether I like it or not.

A tidal wave of emotions about to come crashing down.

Not knowing whether or not it's powerfulness is going to knock me off my feet, or if I'll be able to stand strong.

All that's left is that one goodbye.

Hello Out There

Stress.

Anger.

The over-whelming urge to punch a hole in your wall.

Take a deep breath.

In through your nose.

Out through your mouth.

Stress ball?

Zoloft?

I just need a fricken break.

Leave me alone.

Let me relax.

I can't do everything.

I can't be everywhere.

I ask for one thing,

one thing.

Just do it for me.

Dumb Bitches

Walking around with your "swagger,"

you don't know shit.

Talking trash about people,

you deserve to get hit.

Not knowing left from right,

up from down,

what an idiot.

People like you, I despise.

I can just see the lie in your eyes.

Get over yourself,

your just another barbie on the shelf.

Not getting enough knowledge intake,

get some common sense for God's sake.

To all those dumb bitches that don't have a clue,

This whole poem is about you.

3/27/10

Tears fall another day,

I'm one cut away.

This place is like a fiery hell,

I'm dissolving cell by cell.

Being emotionally beaten,

my high spirits have figuratively been eaten.

I guess I'll never be mentally well,

until I reach the gates of hell.

5/27/10

Kill me.
Don't do it slowly,
do it fast.
I don't want this moment to last.
The pain is deep.
I want it to end.
At last, death is my friend.